Long overdue, I have had issue after issue trying to post these. Anyway, a month late, here is Hannah in December, up until Christmas. I will post vacation pics separately.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Pain
Dear Hannah,
Today you took a pretty rough spill and for a few minutes you had your parents and Mimi and Poppy scared to death. You are a tough girl and you are no stranger to bumps, bruises and skinned knees. In fact, since you started running (a day or two after you started walking it seemed) your knees have been stained red and purple. But I have never heard you cry like you cried today when you fell into the coffee table. And when I saw that your mouth was bleeding I was horrified that you might have knocked a tooth out or worse. I couldn't do anything but hold you and try to comfort you and beg you to breathe (I think you might be a hyperventilator). Fortunately we realized within a minute or so that the bleeding was minimal and you probably bit your tongue. Within five minutes you were mostly calmed down and drinking your milk and within ten minutes you were ready to play outside. However hours later, I had not yet recovered. I felt uneasy all afternoon, still fighting adrenaline hours later. I didn't really calm down until I went for a walk after we put you to bed and ate dinner.
When I walked in the door after my walk and heard you asking for milk, I smiled. Even though you probably would have gone back to sleep without it, I brought you a cup, happy to have an excuse to hold you again. And as I held you, and thought about the pain you had been in earlier and that unfamiliar cry I never want to hear again, I was hit with the realization that this is only the beginning, that time and again as you grow up I will be gripped with horror and helplessness, with that cry as the soundtrack. For starters, there are all the falls to come over the next few years, with a likely inevitable trip or two to the emergency room, consequences of your fearlessness and love of running, climbing and pushing limits. And it only gets worse from there. I shutter at the thought of you struggling to tell me through tears and short breaths about the horrible thing the girls said/did at school that day. And I dread holding you the first time your heart is broken and trying to convince you it will get better, when I know you won't believe me. And these tribulations are best case scenarios, I have no idea what challenges life holds for us. What I do know is that your pain is my pain, and the idea that I am powerless over it scares me to death. It makes me want to hold you tight in my arms forever and forbid you from growing up. It also makes me want to fly to Midland and give your Grandjackie a big hug, having had a glimpse of the pain she has suffered on my behalf.
After you fell back asleep I opened my bible (well actually flipped on my ipad and clicked on my bible in one year app) to today's readings, one of which was Psalm 18.
I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold. (Psalm 18:1-2)
I know my anxieties are non-productive. Hannah, I pray that both of us will have the kind of faith that calms anxieties, that we will know that He is our shield and our fortress, our protector. I cannot serve you in that capacity. I know that you will go through things in your life that will shake my faith, and probably yours. I will probably question whether you are truly being protected and wish I could bring God's definition of protection more in-line with our secular one. I must constantly remind myself that the ultimate protection God offers is salvation. My greatest prayer is that you will seek that protection.
Love,
Mom
Today you took a pretty rough spill and for a few minutes you had your parents and Mimi and Poppy scared to death. You are a tough girl and you are no stranger to bumps, bruises and skinned knees. In fact, since you started running (a day or two after you started walking it seemed) your knees have been stained red and purple. But I have never heard you cry like you cried today when you fell into the coffee table. And when I saw that your mouth was bleeding I was horrified that you might have knocked a tooth out or worse. I couldn't do anything but hold you and try to comfort you and beg you to breathe (I think you might be a hyperventilator). Fortunately we realized within a minute or so that the bleeding was minimal and you probably bit your tongue. Within five minutes you were mostly calmed down and drinking your milk and within ten minutes you were ready to play outside. However hours later, I had not yet recovered. I felt uneasy all afternoon, still fighting adrenaline hours later. I didn't really calm down until I went for a walk after we put you to bed and ate dinner.
When I walked in the door after my walk and heard you asking for milk, I smiled. Even though you probably would have gone back to sleep without it, I brought you a cup, happy to have an excuse to hold you again. And as I held you, and thought about the pain you had been in earlier and that unfamiliar cry I never want to hear again, I was hit with the realization that this is only the beginning, that time and again as you grow up I will be gripped with horror and helplessness, with that cry as the soundtrack. For starters, there are all the falls to come over the next few years, with a likely inevitable trip or two to the emergency room, consequences of your fearlessness and love of running, climbing and pushing limits. And it only gets worse from there. I shutter at the thought of you struggling to tell me through tears and short breaths about the horrible thing the girls said/did at school that day. And I dread holding you the first time your heart is broken and trying to convince you it will get better, when I know you won't believe me. And these tribulations are best case scenarios, I have no idea what challenges life holds for us. What I do know is that your pain is my pain, and the idea that I am powerless over it scares me to death. It makes me want to hold you tight in my arms forever and forbid you from growing up. It also makes me want to fly to Midland and give your Grandjackie a big hug, having had a glimpse of the pain she has suffered on my behalf.
After you fell back asleep I opened my bible (well actually flipped on my ipad and clicked on my bible in one year app) to today's readings, one of which was Psalm 18.
I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold. (Psalm 18:1-2)
I know my anxieties are non-productive. Hannah, I pray that both of us will have the kind of faith that calms anxieties, that we will know that He is our shield and our fortress, our protector. I cannot serve you in that capacity. I know that you will go through things in your life that will shake my faith, and probably yours. I will probably question whether you are truly being protected and wish I could bring God's definition of protection more in-line with our secular one. I must constantly remind myself that the ultimate protection God offers is salvation. My greatest prayer is that you will seek that protection.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year
I will post a December update tomorrow (it was a busy month), but figure now is an appropriate time for a post to ring in the New Year. 2010 was a pretty milestone year in our house with our wedding, moving into our home and the birth of Hannah. In comparison, 2011 seems pretty tame, but several events really stand out as highlights.
The first was Hannah's baptism on January 30, 2011. It was so special, and I love that it was on her half birthday. I think it will be a perfect way for us to have a mini-half birthday celebration each year with the candle the church gave us as a memento of her baptism. It will be such a special opportunity for us to talk to her about it each year going forward. Hannah also finally rolled over and started sitting on her own in January.
In March, Tanner and I went on amazing trip to Napa for our anniversary. I was so touched by how much work he put into planning. It really was the most amazing opportunity for us to get away to what I consider pretty much the most relaxing place on Earth and reflect a little bit on what a whirlwind the last year had been.
In April, we celebrated Tanner and Mike's 30th birthday parties in a big way with a trip to Vegas. It was a blast and so special for him to spend it with his closest friends. Hannah also started crawling.
In May, I turned 29. My celebrations were a bit more low key, but really great. We spent the weekend before my birthday with my parents in Austin and celebrated with friends at Philippe in Houston. Then we took Hannah to Cloudcroft with my grandparents the weekend after my birthday.
July was a great month. I went to Hong Kong for work and Tanner was able to come along, while my mom and sister kept Hannah in Houston. Hannah was weened, which was pretty exciting for me, although nursing/pumping exclusively for her first year, through all of my work travels, is really a source of pride. I was not always able to be there for her in all the ways that I would have liked to, but this was something that I could do and committed to doing for her and I followed through. Hannah started walking and on the 30th, we celebrated her first birthday with a party at the house that could not have been more special or perfect. We had family and friends in from all over the state. It was such a reminder of how blessed we all are. I worked tirelessly on Hannah's video, which still brings me to tears when I watch it. It was such a cool way for me to reflect on Hannah's first year and was truly a labor of love.
On October 8, Hannah attended her first wedding and acquired a new aunt. Unfortunately, she was a little too exhausted from the state fair to fully partake in the festivities, which started right around her bedtime, but she loved playing in the church and she loves her Uncle Taylor and Aunt Julie. She also fell in love with pumpkins, and was an adorable unicorn for Halloween.
December was so much fun, after Hannah recovered from being stricken simultaneously with a stomach bug and strep throat the second week of the month. She scared us to death when her fever was almost 104 at the pediatrician's office. I had never seen her lethargic like that. Seeing as I was fighting the same ailments, this was probably our low point of the year, but fortunately we were all well in time for Christmas. Hannah loved being the center of attention and we were lucky to celebrate at our home with both of our families. After a special Christmas eve and Christmas day, we headed to San Diego with Grandjackie, Granddaddy and Aunt Melissa, and Hannah had her first beach experience. To say she loved it would be an understatement. I think we will have to take her back to the "osen" very soon.
Reflecting on our year, I am reminded of how abundantly blessed our family truly is in so many different ways.
I have high hopes for 2012, and a few resolutions/goals as well.
1) Tanner and I are starting Weight Watchers again tomorrow. My goal is to lose 40 pounds by my 30th birthday. My other goal is to send out a Christmas Card with a family photo next year...one that I am not ashamed of, to be more specific.
2) I increasingly find myself muttering "I cannot continue to live this way" when searching for items around our house. We have a huge closet in our hallway, that I have began referring to as Satan's closet, because every time I open it things fall down on me and I want to cry, seriously. My closet is also a disaster. It is way too full of clothes that don't fit or I don't like, and I have to streamline so I can find things. Our tiny little bathroom is also a complete disaster. Tanner spends hours each month looking for things like toenail clippers (which we probably have 10 of) because nothing ever seems to be where it is supposed to be. I am trying a new plan, based on the fly lady, to tackle the clutter and disorganization. I am making it a goal to spend just 15 minutes 5 days a week clearing countertops, sorting mail, hanging clothes, etc. Then I am making it a goal to spend 1 hour each weekend tackling a larger project, like a single drawer, or a corner of a closet, etc.
3) Two things I have completely neglected are prayer/quiet times and exercising. My current schedule really allows almost no time for exercising. My day starts at 530 and lately has been completely full most nights until around midnight, when my Hong Kong phone calls wrap up. My exercise goals are modest, three days a week for 45 minutes, either walking outside or cardio at the Y. It is not much, but hopefully better than nothing. I am going to devote the same amount of time to prayer/scripture, either early in the mornings or at my desk during lunch.
The first was Hannah's baptism on January 30, 2011. It was so special, and I love that it was on her half birthday. I think it will be a perfect way for us to have a mini-half birthday celebration each year with the candle the church gave us as a memento of her baptism. It will be such a special opportunity for us to talk to her about it each year going forward. Hannah also finally rolled over and started sitting on her own in January.
In March, Tanner and I went on amazing trip to Napa for our anniversary. I was so touched by how much work he put into planning. It really was the most amazing opportunity for us to get away to what I consider pretty much the most relaxing place on Earth and reflect a little bit on what a whirlwind the last year had been.
In April, we celebrated Tanner and Mike's 30th birthday parties in a big way with a trip to Vegas. It was a blast and so special for him to spend it with his closest friends. Hannah also started crawling.
In May, I turned 29. My celebrations were a bit more low key, but really great. We spent the weekend before my birthday with my parents in Austin and celebrated with friends at Philippe in Houston. Then we took Hannah to Cloudcroft with my grandparents the weekend after my birthday.
July was a great month. I went to Hong Kong for work and Tanner was able to come along, while my mom and sister kept Hannah in Houston. Hannah was weened, which was pretty exciting for me, although nursing/pumping exclusively for her first year, through all of my work travels, is really a source of pride. I was not always able to be there for her in all the ways that I would have liked to, but this was something that I could do and committed to doing for her and I followed through. Hannah started walking and on the 30th, we celebrated her first birthday with a party at the house that could not have been more special or perfect. We had family and friends in from all over the state. It was such a reminder of how blessed we all are. I worked tirelessly on Hannah's video, which still brings me to tears when I watch it. It was such a cool way for me to reflect on Hannah's first year and was truly a labor of love.
Hannah's First bday movie from Margaret Franks on Vimeo.
On October 8, Hannah attended her first wedding and acquired a new aunt. Unfortunately, she was a little too exhausted from the state fair to fully partake in the festivities, which started right around her bedtime, but she loved playing in the church and she loves her Uncle Taylor and Aunt Julie. She also fell in love with pumpkins, and was an adorable unicorn for Halloween.
December was so much fun, after Hannah recovered from being stricken simultaneously with a stomach bug and strep throat the second week of the month. She scared us to death when her fever was almost 104 at the pediatrician's office. I had never seen her lethargic like that. Seeing as I was fighting the same ailments, this was probably our low point of the year, but fortunately we were all well in time for Christmas. Hannah loved being the center of attention and we were lucky to celebrate at our home with both of our families. After a special Christmas eve and Christmas day, we headed to San Diego with Grandjackie, Granddaddy and Aunt Melissa, and Hannah had her first beach experience. To say she loved it would be an understatement. I think we will have to take her back to the "osen" very soon.
Reflecting on our year, I am reminded of how abundantly blessed our family truly is in so many different ways.
I have high hopes for 2012, and a few resolutions/goals as well.
1) Tanner and I are starting Weight Watchers again tomorrow. My goal is to lose 40 pounds by my 30th birthday. My other goal is to send out a Christmas Card with a family photo next year...one that I am not ashamed of, to be more specific.
2) I increasingly find myself muttering "I cannot continue to live this way" when searching for items around our house. We have a huge closet in our hallway, that I have began referring to as Satan's closet, because every time I open it things fall down on me and I want to cry, seriously. My closet is also a disaster. It is way too full of clothes that don't fit or I don't like, and I have to streamline so I can find things. Our tiny little bathroom is also a complete disaster. Tanner spends hours each month looking for things like toenail clippers (which we probably have 10 of) because nothing ever seems to be where it is supposed to be. I am trying a new plan, based on the fly lady, to tackle the clutter and disorganization. I am making it a goal to spend just 15 minutes 5 days a week clearing countertops, sorting mail, hanging clothes, etc. Then I am making it a goal to spend 1 hour each weekend tackling a larger project, like a single drawer, or a corner of a closet, etc.
3) Two things I have completely neglected are prayer/quiet times and exercising. My current schedule really allows almost no time for exercising. My day starts at 530 and lately has been completely full most nights until around midnight, when my Hong Kong phone calls wrap up. My exercise goals are modest, three days a week for 45 minutes, either walking outside or cardio at the Y. It is not much, but hopefully better than nothing. I am going to devote the same amount of time to prayer/scripture, either early in the mornings or at my desk during lunch.
The month was a blur
November
I did not take a single picture with the good camera in November. I did not do much besides work the month of November. Grandjackie stepped up in a big way (as she always does). Hannah spent the majority of the month in Midland, I spent a few weeks in DC, one in San Francisco and one in Midland. The whole month was blur. And while it was meaningful for me professionally, mostly I remember feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and guilty, but also so grateful for a support system that allows me to know Hannah is being cared for well even in my absence. Below are a few iphone pics from the month.
One of my first friends, Kate Gavos photographed Hannah for our Christmas Cards in early November. She did a great job and I loved the way the pictures turned out. It is so fun to reconnect with old friends, and she has a daughter just a few months older than Hannah. Here is a sampling of some of my favorites (okay, maybe more than a sampling).
I did not take a single picture with the good camera in November. I did not do much besides work the month of November. Grandjackie stepped up in a big way (as she always does). Hannah spent the majority of the month in Midland, I spent a few weeks in DC, one in San Francisco and one in Midland. The whole month was blur. And while it was meaningful for me professionally, mostly I remember feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and guilty, but also so grateful for a support system that allows me to know Hannah is being cared for well even in my absence. Below are a few iphone pics from the month.
One of my first friends, Kate Gavos photographed Hannah for our Christmas Cards in early November. She did a great job and I loved the way the pictures turned out. It is so fun to reconnect with old friends, and she has a daughter just a few months older than Hannah. Here is a sampling of some of my favorites (okay, maybe more than a sampling).
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