Anxiety

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

-Matthew 6:25-34

I have read this passage over and over through the weekend and today. 

I have invested so much in my job over the last year.  I have had stages where I have worked like this before, but those times were different...I was living for myself, responsible for no one.  This year has been wholly different.  While I have done my best to maintain balance and to be home to put Hannah to bed as frequently as I can, I have made really meaningful sacrifices and poured myself into the work project that has been consuming me.  Today I receive an evaluation of all of that work. 

I keep trying to tell myself that this should not matter.  Rather than craving validation and approval from men, I should store up treasures in heaven.  I put way too much value in earthly accomplishments.  I have spent the weekend praying that God will teach me to focus on him and to truly value his kingdom above all else.

Still I am nervous and anxious, afraid that I will not achieve the recognition that I think I deserve, too hesitant to embrace the humility that my faith requires.  I resist wholeheartedly asking God to take away my desire for earthly validation, irrationally afraid of what the consequences might be.