I have definitely fallen off the wagon. I have gained about five pounds over the last month and have really been whining to Tanner this week that I just feel as though I have lost all of my motivation to stick with Weight Watchers. While he has counted points, I have eaten pumpkin pie for breakfast and grabbed handfuls of Hannah's bunny crackers (sorry Mom, I know they are expensive). Although it should be extremely obvious, I think I am really starting to become more self-aware of my propensity to respond to stress with food (carbs, specifically). I think sometimes I start losing control of my eating before I am even aware that I am really battling stress. I am sure eating poorly adds to the stress level as well, making the whole process cyclical, and hard to break.
Anyway, this morning was a crazy morning. I woke up a few minutes late, hurriedly made Tanner's breakfast and lunch before he had to leave. Then I woke up Hannah and hurriedly nursed her so I could load her into the car seat to go rescue my poor, forgotten, abandoned dog when the vet opened at 7:30 am. After apologizing profusely, waiting for his prescription to be filled and thanking the office about ten times for not charging me a boarding fee (I think they took pity on my since I had Hannah, still in her pajamas, trying to dive out of my arms the entire time), I headed back home at 7:45 to drop Hannah and Winston off with Vilma. I pumped (again hurriedly, to the extent that is possible) while putting my makeup on and getting Hannah's food and bottles organized for the day. By the time I pulled out of the driveway, I was starving. As I neared 610, I found myself with my left blinker on to turn into McDonalds. I have not eaten at McDonalds since Tanner and I grabbed sausage biscuits there one morning in Chicago two summers ago en route to the airport. And while I hear they have some healthy offerings, the sausage mcgriddle and hashbrowns, not the yogurt parfait or oatmeal, were beckoning me.
And then I made a decision that this has to stop. Instead I kept driving, past the loop to the Meyerland shopping center, marched into My Fit Foods and bought my breakfasts and lunches for the rest of the week and even a couple of snacks so that I have no excuse to grab a bag of cheez-its or a package of snackwells cookies at work. I knew it would make me ten minutes later than the latest acceptable time to arrive at work, but I also knew that it would save me ten minutes of riding the elevator down to and waiting in at line at Jason's Deli (aka our office cafeteria, which may deceptively sound somewhat healthy, but really, it isn't, at all).
Once I start eating poorly, I really start craving all of the foods that I generally try to avoid, so I know this is only one of many battles I will wage internally over the next several days (not to mention for the rest of my life), but at least this small victory this morning is a start.
I need and want to lose weight for a myriad of reasons, but more than anything I don't want Hannah to have memories of me struggling with food and my weight this way. I want her to grow up in a house where we enjoy eating natural, whole foods because they are good for us, they fuel our bodies optimally and we are conditioned to crave them. I never want her to associate even the tiniest bit of her self-worth with her weight, regardless of what it is. I know this is inevitable, but it is my job to minimize that and to teach her how valuable she is and what makes her so. Every day and with each milestone, I am reminded how fleeting her infancy and soon to be toddlerhood (is there an actual word for this?) truly is. I am running out of days that she will not remember.
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